Goodbye Relena
by ShinigamiPhoenix
Summary: A depressed Relena thinks about her life as the Vice Foreign Minister. sucky summary, but please read it!


Notes: Wow, I wrote an angsty fic about Relena. This is my first attempt at a Relena-centered fic, so I would greatly appreciate feedback, especially because this is actually a practise run at writing a nice, non-psychotic Relena for the sequel to my fic Saving Shinigami (which isn't actually finished yet but nevermind) so if you think this is okay, please tell me. Enjoy and review!   
  
I sighed, leaning my head against the window as I looked out at the large and peaceful gardens of my large and peaceful mansion. Brightly coloured flowers bordered little gravel paths for me and my guests to walk. Birds sang their trilling little songs from the trees lining the gardens. The water in the fountain sparkled merrily in the bright sunlight. And the sight of it all made me want to throw up.   
  
I hadn't always been this way, of course. Two years ago I had loved walking in the gardens, perhaps plucking the occasional flower to carry with me. I had loved reading a book by the fountain, listening to the soft splashing of the water and the delicate calls of the birds. I had been happy and peaceful. The smiles I showed the world were genuine and full of warmth. My eyes had sparkled with happiness and determination.   
  
But that was then. And I was different now.   
  
I can't really say when I realised just how tired I was, just that I woke up one day and just couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. What was the point? Another endless day of boring meetings and discussions, trying tirelessly to maintain and better the peace that I had fought so hard for.   
  
And I had fought for it, using every trick and manoeuvre I had. I might not have used guns and knives like the Gundam pilots had, but I had fought just as hard and risked just as much. And I had been an idiot. I was a stupid fifteen year old girl with a ridiculous idealised view of the world trying to create something that did not and could not exist.   
  
And then I had won my little war, had won the peace, and I was so happy. Things would be alright now, I would make sure that the world was alright. I had accepted the role of Vice Foreign Minister of the World Nation and had worked constantly for the peace. I had looked at each problem and not stopped until I figured out the solution and put it into action. I set up charities and orphanages, organised fundraisers for said charities and orphanages, arranged extravagant balls where I continued to work for the peace while sipping the most expensive champagne and wearing a ridiculously expensive gown. I had thrown myself into my work, into the role of Vice Foreign Minister Darlian, and not thought that maybe I shouldn't. I had not thought that the role would eat me alive.   
  
I never used to understand Duo Maxwell, no matter how hard I tried. He was just so happy and energetic, always acting like an idiot, and I couldn't figure out how he could be a Gundam pilot. But then I had seen him one night, washing his own blood off his skin, with tears running down his cheeks. And I understood that what I had seen before had been a lie, a mask he used to hide from the world.   
  
But that just made me more confused. Why would he hide? Why didn't he show the world how serious and intelligent he really was? It was a long time before I understood the answer to my questions.   
  
Duo hid behind his jester's mask because the world needed him to. The world needed him to laugh and joke and take away their troubles. And he gave them that relief without ever asking for anything in return. He accepted his role graciously, never complaining or slipping up.   
  
The day I realised this was the day I realised I had my own mask, a mask of polite professionalism, of false happiness. And I realised that my mask had devoured me whole.   
  
I was tired, so very tired of the world and my job with all its worries, yet I couldn't show that weariness. The world needed me to be Vice Foreign Minister Darlian and didn't care about the girl Relena. Relena was dead, and had been killed by the Vice Foreign Minister. And no one realised.   
  
I suppose that's what hurt the most, that no one realised just how tired I was. I was constantly surrounded by people, by colleagues and 'friends', yet none of them realised that even when they addressed me as Relena, they were talking to Ms. Darlian. They didn't realise that when I laughed and smiled at their words, all I wanted to do was run and hide in my bedroom.   
  
For so long, I had prayed for someone to realise and to help me, to save me from myself, but after a while, I just gave up. I surrendered. I had won the peace I had fought for, had won the safety and security for my friends and loved ones, and the price was myself. The world needed Ms. Darlian, not Relena, and that was who they would get.   
  
I stood up and walked into the bathroom adjoining my bedroom. I leaned against the counter and stared hard at my reflection. My sandy brown hair hung loose around my shoulders, framing my face nicely. My skin was creamy and flawless. My eyes were a crystalline cerulean blue.   
  
I should have been beautiful. Yet I wasn't. I had been once, but something within me, some spark of life, had died, and I was no longer the beautiful girl I had been. I wasn't even a person anymore. I was just a shell, an empty shell of a woman.   
  
I looked into my empty eyes and realised that my eyes had faded the day I realised that Relena was fading. If someone was going to save me, they had better hurry, because soon there wouldn't be anything left to save.   
  
I smiled mirthlessly at that. I was still a foolish girl waiting to be saved by her knight in shining armour. I had thought Heero would be by knight, would rescue me from my life.   
  
I was wrong.   
  
Heero wasn't my knight, wasn't even a knight at all. He was just a bloodstained hero who had seen too much to ever forget the pain and sadness that had been his life. He was with Duo now, trying to survive in this peace I had created. I didn't really mind, actually, that he was with the American pilot, because Duo could understand Heero better than I ever could, and he could give him what he both needed and wanted. Together, they were happy, and I would do nothing to damage that.   
  
After all, isn't that why I had killed Relena? To ensure the happiness of my friends? Be real funny if I destroyed that happiness by trying to be happy myself.   
  
A faint beeping reached my ears and I sighed. It was time to hide behind the horrible mask of Ms. Darlian, time to sacrifice another piece of my heart for the world. It was time to work.   
  
I washed my face and cleaned my teeth. I brushed my hair and pulled it up into a simple yet elegant style. I changed into a simple yet expensive skirt suit. I put on some simple yet artful makeup. I made sure my briefcase contained everything I needed. I checked my appearance in the mirror for any flaws and found none. I was perfect.   
  
With a firm grip on her briefcase and a polite smile curling her lips, Vice Foreign Minister Darlian left the room to go protect the peace, and left the dying girl Relena locked in her bedroom. 


End file.
